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Delayed Adolescence: A Growing Issu...

So the first post here before you read this one. So there is a growing issue that we talked about in the last post that is, as Robert Epstein n...

Teen-2-0-9781884995590

Delayed Adolescence: A Growing Issu...

I am no expert and much of the material I have in this post does not come from statistical analysis nor does it come from any sort of terminal degre...

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10 Super-Cheap But Super-Awesome Id...

This is a random post and a little out of my comfort zone as this borders on Pinteresty idea0sharing but I thought I would share some ideas to hel...

6871102931_c5538e98a9_z

The Lost Art of Conversation

This past Sunday some of the youth group members and I had a movie day after AM services and while we were watching the movie I glanced over at so...

Delayed Adolescence: A Growing Issue (Part 2)

May. 15 Amelia, Heather, Kaleb, Lessons from my Children, Life's Lessons, Madelyn, Parenting, Physical and Emotional Changes, Samuel, Spiritual Formation, Teenagers no comments

So the first post here before you read this one.

So there is a growing issue that we talked about in the last post that is, as Robert Epstein noted, the “infantization” of adolescents and the result is delayed maturity. We also noted that this has become a growing concern in our churches which families must pay attention to in the rearing of their children. Something I did not mention in the last post but something I have witnessed among twenty-somethings across the church spectrum (not just where I am employed) is that, even in terms of spiritual formation, we are fostering an infant-Gospel which may even play into why many are leaving the church. Again it is a weird cyclical pattern where we our just as guilty for fostering this co-dependency. We in the church are saying: “Come to a building and become spiritually formed. You don’t have to participate just come. Oh by the way, we have certain rules if you do participate and there are things you can do and things you can’t do.”

Do you see what we are doing? Leaders in the church are treating our spiritual family like we are treating our immediate family. That makes sense doesn’t it?

So what can we do? I am skipping over a bunch of material Robert Epstein covers in Part 2 of his book where he builds a strong case on the capabilities of young people. I am already assuming that you understand that our young people are capable and we must build on that and feed it. I have a few suggestions for churches, youth groups and families. I think they apply to all…

  • Incorporate classes where parent, child, young and old learn side by side. Of course there are difficulties with this…embrace it.
  • Allow young folks to help in the decision-making of church. If they don’t like where the church is going ownership might help alleviate that issue.
  • Quit treating them like kids and empower them.
  • Make them earn things through hard work, determination and goal-setting. Should every child have their car-insurance paid for? Why? Do adults get theirs paid for? What happens if you don’t pay for insurance….you don’t drive. The same goes with cell phones.
  • Partner them with mature adults other than yourself. Assuming you are mature. KIDDING!
  • Look for young folks who have a broken family and partner more mature young folks with them.
  • Allow students to choose for themselves a relationship with God. A lot of debate here. Some say you can never let someone in your house stay home during services and others vent that you must allow them to choose for themselves in all times. What is lost in all of this is the dialog of what they are doing and why. We tell them to go to church services but not why. Worse, we tell them to go to services and then to leave Jesus at the building.
  • Give them freedom along with education.

I know I have skipped over a bunch of things. What would you suggest?

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Photo Credits: włodi on CC

Delayed Adolescence: A Growing Issue – Part 1

May. 14 Parenting, Physical and Emotional Changes, Teenagers 1 comment

I am no expert and much of the material I have in this post does not come from statistical analysis nor does it come from any sort of terminal degree. What I see comes from my few years working with teenagers and watching them move into their twenties. There are other sociologists, psychologists and experts who can give you a better treatise than I. I will say though that a lot of my thoughts are formed not only from experience but also confirmed in a book called Teen 2.0 by Robert Epstein.

He forms the problem very succinctly in what is called “delayed adolescence”:

For the first time in human history, we have artificially extended childhood well past puberty. Simply stated, we are not letting our young people grow up. By holding back our young, we have created a new disorder: Extended Childhood Disorder, characterized by feelings of hopelessness, anger, and a lack of control over one’s life.

Epstein, Robert (2010-02-24). Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence (Kindle Locations 513-515). Independent Publishers Group. Kindle Edition.

Why is this? What are some of the reasons why we have extended our children? There are multiple issues to this but some of the things I am seeing is that we are raising our children to become almost dependent on parents for their resources. Parents are not, for the most part, engaging their children in having a job, being responsible for their decisions or even their own emotional viability. In stead, parents take responsibility for all therefore creating some sort of sick and twisted co-dependency that is fostered deep in their twenties and even into their thirties.

Yet, this is a completely new issue (maybe even a Western World Issue) as the idea of adolescence has crept in. Epstein notes:

Teens, I learned, had been treated like adults throughout most of human history. It’s only recently that they’ve been infantilized.

Epstein, Robert (2010-02-24). Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence (Kindle Locations 453-454). Independent Publishers Group. Kindle Edition.

Before you jump ahead this is not a lets-go-back-to-the-glory-days-of-early-USA-talk. The idea of delayed adolescence and the concept of the “teenage years” has…

..get this…

ONLY OCCURRED RECENTLY IN HUMAN HISTORY.

Think about it…when you were old enough to work on the farm you did. Mary and Joseph were quite young (some scholars suggest 13?) when Jesus came about. The thought of a 13 year old in my youth group having a baby scares me. Why? We have infantilized our kids and have not let them grow up.

The Industrial Revolution was barely off the ground (the steam engine was invented in England in 1763), and life was largely agricultural. Young people worked side by side with adults as soon as they were able, as they still do in many countries around the world, and, shortly after puberty, young males often left the family to learn a trade.

Epstein, Robert (2010-02-24). Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence (Kindle Locations 684-687). Independent Publishers Group. Kindle Edition.

What does this all mean? It means this is becoming an issue with churches, youth ministries and, most of all, parenting. We should raise our children to be self-reliant and Savior-reliant not mom-and-dad-reliant. Far too often I have seen parents sucked in to pouring their financial resources into twenty-somethings and thirty-somethings who, quite honestly, have not grown up and are still acting like kids. The sick part is that the parents are fostering this cyclical pattern. Heaven forbid we let Johnnie or Susie endure turmoil for their dumb decisions. Let’s just dip into our retirement and empty that to pay for their lunacy.

So what can we do? See you tomorrow.

10 Super-Cheap But Super-Awesome Ideas for Dumb Men like Myself on Mother’s Day

May. 08 Family, Ideas, Life's Lessons, Parenting no comments

This is a random post and a little out of my comfort zone as this borders on Pinteresty idea0sharing but I thought I would share some ideas to help the pitiful dads out there getting a gift for their wife or mom. The caveat is that if you are like me you never save for this occasion and the last thing you want to do is throw this on the credit card so what can you do? First of all, you are a man so suck it up, quit your whining and use your survival skills. Pull it together dude! Secondly, you need to be creative and that means you are going to have to get off the recliner and think a little bit and do some work. Thirdly, involve your kids in this one so it becomes a family affair. Finally, do something for a widow in your church, community or neighborhood. Especially do something for a mother who has recently lost a child.

You ready men?

Or should I say, “Spartans READY?”

Ok…

10. Make all the meals the entire day.

Forget going out to eat. That is too easy and every man resorts to that. All that does is confirm that you didn’t think about it and the worst part is that you are going to have to wait in line for 2 hours to eat. What’s worse than hungry kids, a hungry wife and a wasted day? Let me answer that for you…nothing!

9. Clean-up.

This goes a long way. Do the dishes, do the laundry (ask how to do it first), be Mr. Mom and help a sister out!

8. Create a video especially for her.

This is where you get the kids involved. Record reasons why you love her and why she is a bucket full of awesome and put it on a video and give it to her. Flowers fade but a DVD lasts a long time…at least until your youngest son uses it as a weapon of mass destruction.

7. Have your family do a collage of photos and frame it.

This is so easy. Get pictures, cut pictures, put in frame. Give to mom. So easy a caveman could do it.

6. Make a CD of songs that remind you of her or make a playlist on her iPod.

Music is the keys to a person’s heart and remember the romantic courting you did back when dinosaurs roamed the earth? Try a little of that.

5. Go down to a park and have a picnic.

If the weather is appropriate pack a picnic, play some games and have fun. Just leave your fancy gadgets at home.

4. For your own mom, put together a booklet of 13 reasons you are thankful for her in 2013.

That may be dumb and cheesy but I am going to do it…hope you are not reading this mom.

3. Plant a tree and call it _____________’s tree.

That could be as cheap as $20. Have your kids dig the hole, you plant it, put dirt around it, make a cute plaque from wood and call it ______________’s tree. Ignite the inner tree-hugger in you!

2. Take the kids away to a park and let her stay at home and do nothing.

We DO stuff all the time and my wife is around kids 24/7 and so sometimes she just needs to detox. Make her breakfast, go to church together (you better go to church with her), take her home…and leave and don’t come back for 3-5 hours. Or more.

1. Google an idea you lazy poor excuse for a man!

Click on this link (Super-Cheap Ideas on Google).  You’re welcome. A ton of ideas that are cheap, cost effective, and friendly.

I hope these help and give your mom or wife that special recognition she deserves. Before I close I want to address criticism you may have for dads being “cheap tight-wads.” Remember it is the media that is pushing you to do more, spend more because it is your mother/wife after all. Ignore them and do somethign special instead of just buying her something. I am a minimalist and I married a minimalist but we still like to do nice things for each other. Here’s a thought that the media does not tell you. The money you are saving on Mother’s Day goes to that PAID-FOR vacation down the road, perhaps a PAID-FOR car or just being in a good financial state. Put that in your debt-pipe and smoke it.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Photo Credits: Marc Falardeau on Creative Commons

 

The Lost Art of Conversation

May. 07 Spiritual Formation, Technology, Teenagers no comments

This past Sunday some of the youth group members and I had a movie day after AM services and while we were watching the movie I glanced over at some of the teenagers and they were on their phone doing who knows what. It used to be just “texting” but now there is a host of things they are doing:

  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • Clash of Clans
  • Twitter
  • Insert app here

When looking at groups of people rarely do I find them talking on the phone but so often they are texting, searching, playing or listening. Of course, I am not unscathed by all of this as I check my phone often for updates, messages and emails. It all seems to be a relentless journey through a land of nothingness. My wife and I have gone out to eat a few times…in our marriage…and when we have gone out I look at couples eating together and instead of talking with each other they are texting someone else or at least sifting through an app somewhere on the phone.

Somewhere down the road I was taught that when you are on your phone during a conversation you are always saying that other person is more important than the conversation.

Now it is not another person, it’s an app. An app holds more attention than I do and what is lost in all of this is the art of conversation. Do you remember growing up (some of you will have to think really hard :) ) and your parents would introduce you to a “grown-up”? My dad always asked that I look the grown-up in the eye and speak to them because that was the respectful thing to do. Conversation was important and it meant something.

Now we have emails…

Text messages…

Facebook messages…

Snap-chat (what the mess is up with that?)…

We have a generation that is growing up and does not know how to have a conversation. I talk with teenagers all of the time and a lot of them simply do not know how to talk. They cannot make eye contact, they are always checking their devices and only answer questions with a “yes” or a “no”.

I am afraid this has also bled into our church as we are a people who have lost the art of community. Part of that is because we have digitized everything and that includes our conversation. The irony of this is that you are reading a blog post and there is hardly any conversation going on right now.

So what can we do? 5 pieces of advice:

  1. Schedule forced Sabbath times. You and I need to cease from doing so that we can be. That means casting our devices into a shed for a while. A study of 500 American college students revealed that Seventy-three percent of them said they would not be able to study without some form of technology, and 38% said that they could not even go more than 10 minutes without checking their laptop, smartphone, tablet or ereader (Source).
  2. Discern what you are using and why. The device is not intrinsically demonic but you need to discern why you are using it.
  3. Parents, the apple does not fall far from the tree. For every teenager I see using their iPhone I see mom and dad on it as well. Those eyes are watching parents… and they are learning.
  4. Process, Process, Process. Have a time where you get together and discuss your device usage as a family.
  5. Going along with #1, have mandatory, habitual N.D.T.’s.  N.D.T. stands for No Device Times. That means the device is not allowed during worship (bring a written bible with ink…it won’t kill you…), not allowed during meal times, when company is over, in the car, and other communal times.

What would you add?

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Photo Credits: Joris Louwes on Creative Commons

Poutine, olfactory receptors and God

May. 02 God, Humility, Life's Lessons, Power of God, the Father no comments

When I was young our family used to go visit both sets of grandparents in Toronto. My dad’s parents lived on the west side and my mom’s parents lived on the east side. Both had their fun but what I loved about going to my mom’s parents was the different restaurants that were within walking distance of where they lived. There was one place that I awlays loved and that was a place called “Open Flame” which was near the corner of Pape Avenue and Queens Street East. I can remember walking out of my grandparent’s front door and smelling something that I could not put my finger on. I knew it smelled amazing and my olfactory receptors have never failed me so I would walk down the street. Sure enough it was my old friend, Open Flame, and I would go in and immediately order fries, gravy and a Canadian favorite (…or favourite), poutine.

I bring this up to you because I read something in the book of Acts that reminded me of, well, the smell of poutine.

22 So Paul, standing in the midst of the Areopagus, said: “Men of Athens, I perceive that in every way you are very religious. 23 For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription, ‘To the unknown god.’ What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you. 24 The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man,[c]25 nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. 26 And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, 27 that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us.  (Acts 17.22-27)

The apostle Paul and others were in a very religious and cultural city…Athens. Paul didn’t berate them for being pagans and worshiping false gods but complimented them on how religious they were. He told them though that all of their religious efforts were not in vain because it essentially was proof (at least to Paul) that they were moving towards “the God who made the world.” In other words they were smelling something good but have yet to taste it. Then Paul preached to them more about this God and some accepted and some made fun of him but overall the message made sense to them (Acts 17.28-32).

Which got me thinking…

Many of us smell God but have yet to taste of his wonderful goodness. The first time I smelled Open Flame all I knew was that there was something lovely in that place. It sucked me in, convicting me to enter the threshold of tasty goodness. I ordered fries, gravy and poutine and sunk every enamel I could muster into a little piece I like to call God-food.

But…

I had to walk in…

The smell is not enough. I have to sink my teeth into it. For many of you there is the smell of God but you have yet to taste of him. You do good things and are good folks but there is something missing. Perhaps you attend church and have done so for years but something seems to be missing.

You have to taste God. Not the cheap God. Not the fake gods. But God, who made heaven and earth. He is the one calling you.

Enjoy.

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Photo Credits: Jen Arrr on Creative Commons

Missional Conversation 3 – Bob Logan – Logan Leadership

May. 01 Missional Conversations no comments

Bob Logan

Bob Logan and I talk about the missional church and what he does at Logan Leadership to help people who feel called to church planting. We also talk about some difficulties church planters encounter before and during the process of planting a church. Connect with Bob at:

http://loganleadership.com/

http://mycoachlog.com

@drboblogan



 

 

Ministry as a Millionaire – Part 2

Apr. 23 God, Humility, Ministry, Youth Ministry no comments

So I asked the troubling question about doing ministry as if your salary was not an issue and didn’t get many takers. I was fishing for some responses and really looking for some takers. Heath had an excellent comment: “The truth would be the truth not matter how anyone would choose to feel about it.”

On the flip side of the issue I would like to offer you that if we are waiting on being a millionaire to do real ministry then we are fooling ourselves and even worse, we are making a mockery of the power of God. Here’s the truth as Heath alluded to:

If we are doing ministry according to the response of man then we are operating under a spirit of fear and in these times God does not need fearful ministers…he needs fearless!

Why are we so afraid of men?

They put their feet in socks just like we do?

They breathe the same air we do?

They have an expiration date just like we do?

They are sinners just like we are?

They are just as dependent on God’s sovereignty as we are?

Yet we cower in fear because they have our jobs in the grips of their hands. The answer to that is, “No they don’t!” God does. God always does. Any they may take your salary away, your benefits, your title but they cannot take away the one thing only God can do…your destiny. Consider the pondering of the Psalmist:

1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain. (139.1-6)

In other words, God is sovereign, we are not.

Along those same lines…

Perhaps many of us need a good ole’ fashioned attitude check.

It’s not about us anyways. Perhaps your leadership stinks. Maybe your ministry has some really cantankerous parents. I bet you don’t make enough money (you never will right?). I get all of that. Yet, somewhere down the road we are going to get to a point where nothing is going to satisfy us. That’s OK because it’s not about us. Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh, Daniel probably didn’t want to jump in the den of lions, Jeremiah didn’t have fun prophesying to a godless nation, Jesus didn’t enjoy suffering on a cross, Ananias really didn’t want to talk to Saul who would be called Paul, Peter really didn’t like Gentiles and Paul really didn’t like beatings.

Yet…

It’s not about us. That’s not why we minister.

We are servants.

I will leave you with Brother Paul…

27 Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit,striving together as one for the faith of the gospel 28 without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. 29 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, 30 since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. (Phil. 1.27-30)

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Photo Credits: Ed Bierman on Creative Commons

Ministry as a Millionaire – Part 1

Apr. 22 Faithfulness, Frustration, Ministry 3 comments

I borrowed this title from an anonymous friend who told me I should write a book on what it would be like to do ministry if money was not an issue. In other words, if I didn’t receive a salary from a church how would I really do ministry?

The fact of the matter is that finances are, and continue to be an issue as long as we as consumers need to purchase goods to survive. Money really does not grow on trees and so the necessity for basic needs is a reality and when your job is on the line there are certain things you do in order to keep that job. I was talking with a minister one time about a particular hot-topic and he shared with me his beliefs about that and I thought it was very helpful and redemptive and so I recommended to him that he preach this to the church and let them hear what he had to say.

I will never forget his response: “I would never preach this stuff as I would get fired in a minute.”

Really?

Since when can we not preach something that fundamentally we believe is truth?

It sounds like maybe he needs to be at another church.

Or maybe by not preaching that he is keeping peace.

Or maybe he is just scared, like you and I, that he will lose his job, lose resources, get “branded” and then struggle for the rest of his life.

So…

What would it look like to do ministry as a millionaire?

  • Perhaps we could see through the politics to call the church into being what she really should be.
  • Perhaps we might let that parent know that the reason their child stepped away from the faith is because they were crappy parents and were interested in everything but their child’s faith.
  • Perhaps you could finally speak truth to that power-hungry leader in the church
  • Perhaps you wouldn’t have to pray to God about your finances so much, worried about how the light bill is going to get paid, or the groceries.
  • Perhaps you could focus more on preaching truth and less on preaching what the church “likes” to hear.
  • Perhaps those “hot-isssue” sermons and classes could be addressed head-on without fear of brother so-and-so or sister so-and-so.
  • Perhaps we could tell that person threatening to take their “offering” to another church to not let the door hit them where the good Lord split them.
  • Perhaps we could cut the red tape out of committee meetings, agendas and minutes and simply get things done without it having to be pre-approved, re-approved, etc,
  • Perhaps we could spend more time doing real ministry and less time doing the administrative things that suck the life out of ministers.
  • Perhaps we could really share how we feel politically and not care what the Liberal Dems or Right Wing Republicans think.
  • Perhaps we could worship God authentically in worship not worried if someone is looking at us for this or for that.

Now to get personal…

  • Perhaps we wouldn’t have to go home crying to our wives wondering why we invested all of our time, money and energy into a church that does not want to grow.
  • Perhaps our own children would not grow up resenting the church.
  • Perhaps we could invest more time in helping our sins instead of dismissing them under a rug because we are worried about “the job”.
  • Perhaps we could treat our ministries more as a calling and less as a job.
  • Perhaps we could love the sermon on Sunday gatherings.
  • Perhaps we could actually revere Scripture instead of resent it.
  • Perhaps we could actually walk by faith and not by sight.

There are many more I could add.  I will do a follow-up post on some counter thoughts to this.  In the comment section you can be anonymous but answer this question:

If money was not an issue (concerning your salary) how would that change your ministry?

___________________________________

Photo Credits: 401(K) 2012 on Creative Commons

So you’re going to prom…read this first.

Apr. 19 Drugs and Alcohol, Peer-Pressure, School System, Sexual Temptation, Spiritual Formation, Teenagers 5 comments

For many schools prom is tomorrow (4/20…horrible day for a prom…if you understand the date) and every year it seems that a lot of time, money and energy is spent for this one single event. I went to a Christian high-school and so we did not have prom but had what was called a Junior-Senior Banquet. It was prom without the, as was termed, “lascivious dancing.” I remember my junior year going with a bunch of guys wearing my chorus tux and then my senior year attending with my girlfriend wearing a rented tux that cost too much money for the little time I was in it. We ate dinner at a fancy restaurant (I got to pay for two) and then attended a banquet, rode in a limo and went home.

Pretty mild…

I have heard from youth group kids in the past that proms can get pretty ugly in terms of what goes on while you are there and the party afterwards.

Yet, with all of the bad things that go on I cannot talk kids out of going to prom. The pressure is too much and it seems that prom is a rite of passage. One year we tried a prom alternative that turned out to be one of the worst, and least-attended activities I have ever done.

So…

You’re going to prom…

I have some suggestions as a father of four kids (two of them are beautiful daughters who will never go to prom or date or leave the house), as a husband, as a child of God, as a minister and as a friend…

  • Realize that you are more than what is external. Dresses, make-up, shoes, tuxes, tans and tiaras are not the sum-total of your existence.
  • Realize that, like Maximus in Gladiator says, “What we do in life echoes in eternity.”
  • Realize that you can say “no” to anything and walk away and if he or she persists you can say “no” again and again.
  • Realize that in 5, 10 and 15 years prom will not matter. Period. Unless you do something very stupid.
  • Realize that where you go you bring the reputation of your faith, your family and your church with you. That is a difficult burden to bear not just at prom but in life in general.
  • Realize that if you do partake of alcohol (which is stupid, illegal and irresponsible) you are not allowed to drive. Call someone no matter how embarrassing it is (Steer Clear App).
  • Realize that this is an opportunity to have fun with friends and hang out…leave it at that. Sure memories can be good so make them good so that if you do look back in 15 years (rarely) you will smile instead of cry.
  • Realize that the “Let’s-make-the-most-of-the-night-like-we’re-gonna-die-young” idea is just a stupid song and is a lie straight from hell.
  • Realize that if you are going to dance make sure it is the funky chicken, cat daddy, old man dance, robocop or the cabbage patch and not the other funky stuff that looks nasty and really is wrong.

But seriously…

I can’t talk you out of prom but please, please, please be careful if you go.

Here is a lesson on the Funky Chicken Dance…remember, “Keep that rock…”



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Photo Credits: Tai Gray on Creative Commons

Missional Conversations 2 – Leonce Crump II – Renovation Church Atlanta

Apr. 18 Missional Conversations no comments

photo

I interview Leonce Crump II who is the Lead Pastor of Renovation Church in Atlanta.  We talk about his story and how he came to Christ and eventually got into the ministry. We also discuss the beginnings of the movement known as Renovation Church and how God is working in the city of Atlanta from the Grant Park Community. If you are a church planter or desire to go into church planting then this interview is a must see.



Connect with Pastor L:

@RenovationATL
@LeonceCrump

http://www.UrbanMissionBlog.com